Plentifully · pointless

I have seen the face of crazy, it is appalling, disturbing and ridiculous.

You wonder if it's the right thing to do to try and make sure somebody doesn't drive around drunk. You try and give them a place to sleep it off. You try and hope that they hear you, that they will figure out there is a need to be alive for their children.

They don't. Crazy is a person that listens to nothing, that says whatevr it wants including but not limited to complete lies. I find myself depressed to have known and cared for somebody that is that far gone. A friend, admittedly only a friend of half a year, has been lost in the last 24 hours and all that was done was me trying to make sure she didn't die.

If she hadn't lied things would have turned out fine. If she had just decided to sleep things would have been fine.

New rule: Unless you are one of four people I know and trust as greatly (You four should know who you are) I am not taking your keys away. If it really matters I'm just writing your license down and calling the cops. End of story. After the last day I am not in the mood to help or try to help anybody anymore.

No good deed goes unpunished is the theme here and it fits so perfectly.

Good night all, and bless you all in mine own name. I am a loving god but it is now upon you to work out your own fucking problems....even if that means driving around a winding road at sixty miles an hour which could easily result in your death and the abndonment of your children.

End Transmission...more later...

I suppose there is a profound symmetry to the universe in all its ways. Of course I have a difficult time finding it, or even recognizing it when the moments arrive. Updating this has become unnecessary, but it had been so fucking long I decided it was about time for a life update.

For almost the last five months I have been living in a house that had been obtained by my friend Mr. Lee. Unfortunately because of multiple things (people losing jobs, people never getting jobs and even others deciding they owed us nothing once they had jobs) the mortgage never got the chance to be paid. How sad. As that is said we have until the end of July to get the hell out, so I am moving in with a friend of mine in Phoenix in mid-July.

Other than that I feel miserable, drink too damned much and am taking care of a dog that isn’t even mine. I’m sorry to say but my reserves ran out some months back and they aren’t refilling. Nothing has been realistically happening lately, yet I haven’t even found a slight bit of them recharging. Perhaps it’s not meant to. Perhaps I’m not meant to have it for a while. A steady reminder of what happens when you trust too many people and few give back.

Perhaps later while drunk I will write something new for here.

I am an intricate man; one filled with the most base of desires as well as a complex web of desires and needs. Part of me enjoys the simple helping of others, of attempting to be the patron saint of friendship. I take it very seriously…despite that much of the time it ends up hurting you in some way. I try but my patience is lessening and I find myself lashing out far easier these days. I wish not to but as of the last year I have been figuring out who are my friends and who ends up abusing my trust.

Certain qualifications are necessary for me to have a grudge against somebody, for me to become a spiteful and vindictive bastard. I have been screwed by friends I still have, usually those moments do not fall into the categories that are necessary for me to start up my own personal war. But, here or there, somebody comes along that insults me to my core.

These days I am not above attempting childish revenge, enjoying the simple items of destructive noise completely with infantile joy. Over many years I have greatly attempted not to go down that route, not to indulge but unfortunately it has been getting the better of me lately. As such I give in.

Two people most recently fucked me over. An old roommate from last year, I ended up going off on him because of it and it never seemed to stop. I ended up enjoying passive aggressive spite upon him and he still ended up fucking me over from several states away. At this point I don’t care any more, it isn’t worth it. And, quite frankly, I’m just going to have to take him to small claims court for not being willing to pay his half of an apartment rental damage.

Not sure what good it will do, but it might make me feel better.

More recently a couple moved from Oregon down here to Arizona. The guy was a pretty neat dude, and although I had some qualms about him, generally speaking he was a great guy. When they moved out he went with. I have no issues or hold any grudges against him. He was looking for a job, he was trying to make money, and he was trying to help as a part of the household. Fun to talk to and calm as a cucumber.

His girlfriend on the other hand is a different story. Slowly over two to two and a half months they had been living with us I kept noticing things pop up, things that seemed too often to ignore. Firstly she would speak of all these intricate and extravagant things she had done within her nineteen years of life. When you hear these things at first you usually accept them because everybody tends to have their shining moments. But hers didn’t stop, and actually seemed to grow steadily in extravagance. If she were to be believed she has held down around ten jobs in her life. In Oregon the limitation of age in order to work is fifteen, and several of the jobs she spoke of would not allow her to work them unless she was eighteen.

As time went by it also seemed like she was attempting to fuel fires as opposed to putting them out. Saying things to increase the floating anger and aggression in a problematic household. The whole place was at every moment a powder keg getting ready to go off. I would attempt to keep it at it’s minimum but she seemed to be either unknowingly or perhaps out of sheer enjoyment trying to elevate it. Jumping constantly to bad conclusions, yelling at people that were merely conversing, speaking as if she were an almighty sage when she doesn’t have enough life experience, or at least the mental faculties to be able to pull it off. Not at her current age anyways.

Manipulative, that’s what else she has been. Damned good at it, seemingly without proper training able to slowly worm information out of a person. Maybe she really does care enough to want to know about another, but I kept getting this feeling like she wanted to hear about others suffering, wanted them to hurt and wanted to indulge in her head about it. Perhaps I’m wrong on that one, but conversations with her are as a psychologist but worse. Perfect timing and sentencing. The problem is that because of her age she fucks it up every once in a while just continuously pissing people off with it.

She has boldly lied to my face, in response to questions and statements she brushes them off and instead fires back with negativity. Firing back at her in the same way is probably only what she is looking for but it does seem like fun.

I can deal with a great amount of things, and can continue loving and caring for my friends even though horrid things can get said between buds. Lies and deceitful intentions, these things are harder for me and the longer they occur the more I feel as if my good nature and friendship is being abused. Personally, honestly and completely I feel she did abuse my trust.

I have several other reasons, I have specific and itemized things because although for a long time I wouldn’t hold grudges I did stockpile shit in my head for future use. In the case and need if somebody needed explaining on why a friendship failed. I haven’t been fucked over by my friends often, and there are times when I feel it has happened but conversation stops it. She wouldn’t listen, she didn’t take action and she keep everybody believing something that just wasn’t happening.

Congratulations girl, you just made my shit list. Perhaps eventually a friendship could occur again, but drastic changes to her personality would have to be in order and unfortunately it’s hard for me to trust somebody again after having been consistently lied to.

Don’t lie to me; it won’t suit you in any way. You want to be my friend, you need help or you just want somebody to talk to…I’ll be there. Just don’t you DARE fucking lie to me because my mind can be sadistic and cruel. You do not want to get on my bad side. It’s a caged animal waiting to kill…not literally of course. I’m not that fucked up.

End Transmission

January
I was just reading a book (yes I read dammit, you pigs) and it had a very interesting word that I liked very much in it. Mokita. The word comes from the Kiriwana language in New Guinea. Translated it means, "The truth that no one speaks". I like that, I think it's a great word and plan on burrowing it into my brain for future random use.

February
All right, lets tally the score. My father has cancer, check. I'm on the verge of broke after only been paid four days ago, check. I still haven't moved everything of mine (in fact almost nothing) into my new place, check. My tags are about to expire, check. It's nearing Valentines Day and I'm still single, check.

March
Stress is a fun bitch mistress to have hanging off your shoulders. It eats at you and thrives on waiting for the moment you will crack. Well, bitch, I won't crack. I haven't been able to do what I've wanted the last several weeks, barely having any time to hang with my buds or just relax at home, but I won't let you see me crack dammit!! I have been incredibly busy, and would like to apologize to any and all of you that I may have not been able to chat with or do anything with. This shit just keeps popping up. I would rather not go into it, too much shit and just don't feel like listing it off right now. Suffice it to say I'm not having the best of several weeks.

April
I'm getting MAYA, I'M GETTING MAYA!!! Maya, for those of you still paying attention to my small little world, is a CG software. I have been planing to get it, learn everything and start creating stories using computer generated characters rendered into 2D format. I will become.....the animator!!

May
I burnt myself; it's an intriguing experience. Something I have never done before. Self-mutilation is a past time of mine that has on every occasion dulled out the mental pain that occurs during the worst of moments (drunk/depressed/severely pissed), but never have I burnt myself. My usual chosen method is with the knife, perhaps the razor blade. Surprisingly I have no long lasting scars (the last few left my body about a year ago, not sure how).

June
I shaved off my goattee. Once again I remembered why I don't shave it. I now have my baby face back, literally. I look just like a toddler with my non-bearded face (which makes sense with me being hung like a toddler). The baby fat underneath my chin (which could also be attributed to being lazy and fat) is still residing there. Some people like to say that their stomachs, their thighs or their ass is what makes them want to lose weight. Mine is my funky second chin that kind of just flows straight from my first one. It's scary, why oh why god did I do it?

July
I got drunk a couple of weeks back. I mean really drunk. I mean three bottles of red wine to the fucking wind drunk. I keep forgetting that red wine has the same effect on me that hard liquor does. Few of my friends, my closest and dearest, have seen me 'hulk out'. When I did it last time I went off on a person I thought was a dear friend of mine. I called her a whore, a woman that only wanted me around to use me for emotional and monetary support. She would fuck anything that moved. Sadly, though, not me. Oh well, back to the point. She left my place (which she had only visited so she could get twenty bucks for gas) and I continued my rampage upon my roommate, an innocent wall and a rather bright walkway lamp. Needless to say I have repressed anger issues. I apologized to my roommate, having blacked out somewhere in the rant against my female friend, not remembering but finding out I had went off on him as well.

August
I gave blood today!! Hooray for me!! But now the question is, what poor sap will get my blood. What poor individual will be cursed to have my blood pumped into their veins? Only time will tell.

September
The last two weeks have been a disgusting rampant attack of my senses. This last week has been severe ups and downs. They are my own fault, what with my care for my friends/family and love of drinking. Mr. P (protected for the innocent) is here in town, not sure if thats a good or bad thing. Shit, BIG SHIT happened in their former residence and so he is here now, trying to find a decent job.

October
My mind is still not quite up to par, I wish it were. I feel as if I’m lacking something for me to begin a creativity streak again. Sitting down to attempt a writing session is something that I’m not all that fond of. Fear strikes through me a bit, through it comes all the little demons of insecurity. Wishing for the malice streak for which I want to try is not enough to actually make it arise.

November
I think I am cursed...jinxed so to speak. Everyone around me seems to not care what I think, or I would like. They don't seem to respect my feelings, my wants, my fucking desires. I can feel it all slipping right on out of my fingers, my sanity, that small smidgen of self-preservation. Fuck it all.

December
(Nothing yet)

I can't write. Something about it is no longer therapeutic. The ideas run around in my head and that seems like it's enough already. I suppose because I have never felt like anything I have ever written had any substantial merit to it that it's no longer worth it. I'm irritated and tired by it and just want to write. Hands go to keys and all I can let out is a fucking rant about how I can't fucking write!!

I hate this shit. I need about a hundred bottles of cheap beer (Pabst) and a week off with nobody calling my ass. A computer in my room and a damned dead bolt on my door. Then, maybe I would get to a place inside my head reserved for letting out the demons.

I think I finally have a conclusion to something. Why am I not more social with the opposite sex? I'm just not sure how much I care about fucking anymore. I enjoy watching it on the computer...but beyond that I just don't have any desire to look for it. Almost as if its a useless endeavor. Personally I think the desire to keep looking at it stems from how long I have been watching it. Porno is a genre of filmmaking and perhaps thats just how my brain imagines it. I can't even think of the last time I jerked off to it.

I don't quite get the process of picking up women, it all seems a bit of bullshit and I just don't think its worthwhile to go through with bullshit in order to attempt an achievement which can barely be considered one. The blathering incomprehensive need to fuck just doesn't work in my head. I feel no desire to go out of my way to look for somebody to fuck. Loneliness? Nah, I'm not really lonely, I just every so often miss somebody holding my naked body. Other than that I find the whole process of dating, getting a girlfriend, all that to be tedious and honestly rather repulsive.

I am curious as to why others can't see it. I'm not asking people to agree with it, but nobody seems to have a notion of why I see it that way. I get drunk I get depressed, end of story. What I express as such is merely somebody that is depressed after having imbibed too much alcohol...end of story. Sober I hate people, I hate social interactions with others I don't already know and I REALLY despise the idea that I should be talking to random anonymous woman that are attractive to a consesus of people. I have friends, I'm happy with the friends I have and really don't have a lot of desire to search out any more. Somebody to talk openly with? HA! I already said I have friends and if you pull that hellish crap out of your ass about how there are somethings you can only talk about with your signifigant other you obviously don't know me.

There is no conversation I could have with a girlfriend that I can't already have with my friends.

Perhaps I'm just a fucked up person in that way, but thats it. Interactions necessary for me to get some are just not me and I really don't care to try for them. It's a fucked up and flawed system and one I just don't really feel any reason to buy into. I think thats it...I'll have to try to comprehend it some more.

I think I am cursed...jinxed so to speak. Everyone around me seems to not care what I think, or I would like. They don't seem to respect my feelings, my wants, my fucking desires. I can feel it all slipping right on out of my fingers, my sanity, that small smidgen of self-preservation. Fuck it all.

Thinking of shutting down the journal. Typing what's happening in my life doesn't help, just seems a rational way to put down my thoughts. I am not sure it's really important anymore.

Who knows.

All around me is non-stop stress. I feel as if I am taking care of children, who happen to be in their mid-twenties. My money is going right through the window, going away so fast that I am having a hard time concentrating on anything. Tommorrow I am flying to San Jose to pick up a new car, which will help. But, I have been so stressed out lately that I didn't even pay attention to my finances. I put too many things off for too long because I was attempting to enjoy the few momentary breaks when they came. Now I have barely enough money to be able to cover the expenses of getting the car back home. It's REALLY pissing me off.

I suppose I have nobody to blame but myself, still it's one of those annoying things. I have to stay up all night tonight in order to make an early morning flight. Family is willing to help, but I asked too late and they were unable to get money into my bank account in time. Money will be there Monday morning but that means the amount of funds I'll have available to me Sunday is just about non-existant and I needed some of it. Hooray!! I am so fucking stressed out right now that I feel as if my head is about to explode.

I haven't EVER been this fucking stressed in my life. I HATE being around people that rely upon me so fucking much that it completely lessens my own personality down into a little bitch of a toothpick. I feel as if at any moment I'm just going to loose my sanity and go on a rampage across the entire world.

Yeah, fun times.

P.S. - I just got back to work. I ditched it for about three hours so I could go have fun. By fun I mean wrestling my ex step-brother out of an apartment he was not supposed to be in, while he was severely fucked up on a plethora of pills, drive him to the ER and all the time try to make sure he didn't put his goddamn cigarettes out in his mother's eyes. Haven't seen the boy in about eight years and this is the first re-introduction to him I get. He didn't even recognize me, course it was that long ago since I last saw him. This will be the fourth or fifth time he has either gone to the ER or to rehab for his drug problems. My life is an unending drama these days and I just wish the show would be cancelled. Or changed into a porn...a science fiction porn.

"The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who is able to think things out for himself, without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable, and so, if he is romantic, he tries to change it. And even if he is not romantic personally he is very apt to spread discontent among those who are."

--H.L. Mencken, Smart Set Magazine, December 1919

I think I finally figured something more out about myself. I only seem to really give a shit about somebody of the opposite gender when I'm drunk.

Let me elaborate.

In the last month or so I have had sex with three different women. All of which are nice people that are actually interesting to talk with. Outside of the moments when I was actually hanging out with them I really didn't even think about them. Perhaps the occasional, “I wonder how so-and-so is doing.” but nothing more than that. My lack of care....my apathy if you must seems to have gotten to a point I never thought it would. Doesn't really bother me all that much. I go to a bar with Mr. P and he keeps pointing out women, saying to me, “Hey, go talk to her. She's looking at you.” Honestly I really don't care enough to do so. Of the three women they all kind of just happened, nothing really beyond that. Things just kind of fell into place and there really wasn't much effort on my part to start any ball rolling.

Sobriety means that I am focused on other things. Work, money, stress, the tick-tock of life, but no longer about the emotionality of another human being. Drunken, though, is something different. All of a sudden all the feelings inside come out. The sad thing is when I think about what I say there ends up being a foolish guilt to my mind. Simply because I have no idea why I said any of it. Alcohol is a depressant and I drink too much of it I get depressed....or angry. Everyone of my friends has seen it, they have seen me go off the deep end and freak out in one way or another. Yet, I do it worse to a cool chick. I'm impressive that way. Picking the most sensationally pointless and inopportune moments to freak, start crying, get very angry, go off on another person. It's as if subconsciously I know exactly when the perfect moment is for me to become self-destructive.

I am nowhere near this when sober. Perhaps there really is something to the AA talk of sobriety. Why is it that I can be two almost completely separated personalities? I do horrid things to myself when I get that drunk. I destroy friendships I have had for years, I demolish possible good friendships that have barely started, I fuck with everybody around me. It's inane, asinine. The next day it bothers me that I do that because I think of what I say, I think of what I felt and don't feel any of it. Thinking of nights like that I see myself as an overtly melodramatic drama-king. I'm already cynical as fuck, I don't need the back of my mind being so self-destructive on top of that.

I'm the worse of all around members of the opposite sex.

Perhaps it's years of repressed anger, maybe it's depression simply kick starting loneliness. Personally I believe it's me being me. What I say, what I do, what I'm like isn't me as a mental image. It's me being the self-fulfilling prophecy. I haven't ever really been a big fan of myself. Perhaps all that is really occurring is that I want to be alone. I desire to be fucked over by myself.

Why is it that sober I don't give two shakes of a fuck....yet drunk I care the whole world. Yeah, it's the self-destructive quality. I understand that now. I just have to start working on stopping that so that I don't keep doing this shit. I really don't want to ruin anymore friendships or possible ones. I really don't' want to keep fucking myself over by being a drunk melodramatic asshole.

To all those I have done it to, I'm sorry, it isn't me....I swear. There is no amount of words or combination thereof that can get that across, but it is the unfortunate truth. That is not me. All it is me wanting to tear myself down just that much more. I wish I could correct all the damage I have done to myself so that I could keep friends, keep the ones I was gaining and stop perpetuating the unending cycle that was started so long ago.

This is the most honest apology people may ever get out of me because right now, I am truly pissed as fuck off at myself for it. Especially when I think of the most recent time and say to myself, “Why did I say that? I don't really feel like that.”

Maybe it really is time for me to stop drinking.

“Although there are limits to your success, your capacity for failure is infinite.”

My mind is still not quite up to par, I wish it were. I feel as if I’m lacking something for me to begin a creativity streak again. Sitting down to attempt a writing session is something that I’m not all that fond of. Fear strikes through me a bit, through it comes all the little demons of insecurity. Wishing for the malice streak for which I want to try is not enough to actually make it arise.

Perhaps its because I have no personally area to write. My computer is in the living room and with it comes the immense lacking of personal brain space in order to effectively attempt a tale. Also, alcohol tends to help a bit. Although I am going out to bars and such with friends more now than previously I am lessening the amount of sitting back and just letting the words facilitate themselves through my fingertips. Three forties later and I have a tale that I am somewhat happy without (despite the drunken misspellings and grammatical errors). A story that once edited I can enjoy saying I actually wrote.

I have been trying to get away from an addiction to a substance to help me get into that mindset, but it seems to not be working all the time. Usually when I actually write something I do nothing with it and it just sits in a folder in my computer called ‘Text’. Once it resides there for more than three weeks it is not going to be completed. Perhaps I will begin reading it and get inspired to finish it, but at that point I am no longer in the same place I was when I wrote it.

It’s a tiring process yet I wish to write something, something fun. Oh well, perhaps I’ll drink and get it out of my system. Perhaps I will search out a way to be on my own for a while and just enjoy beer, put on some strange movie (Mulholland Drive played ad infinitum) and begin to actually type down a story.

Only time will tell.

Stress lately is probably also another contributing factor. Money issues, roommate personality conflicts, patience of inexhaustible supply finally dwindling and the most contrived conversations I can think of. Imagine the conversations you had with friends between the age of eighteen and twenty. Now, figure those ones that involve the very important things, those things about waking up and realizing life. Now once you have that compare those to when you were in your mid-twenties. Big difference right? That’s because the people you are speaking to usually have progressed with you.

I spoke to a man several nights back, and have been speaking to him as such, the way I spoke back when I was nineteen. I have had to do this in the hope that he would wake up and see how he is fucking up his life beyond any repair. This man is two years older than me. I’m an asshole, I say asshole things and the other night I went full blown into asshole. Was I justified? Yes. Was it unfortunate? Hell yes! But, there are times when you have spoken the same sentence to a person so many times and they act as if they have never heard word one of it yet.

Perhaps, sometime soon, I will go insane. Oh wouldn’t that be delightful.

Finally wrote a new story on my other account. You know, that entilmax one. If you wish to check it out, if not...oh well...

P.S. - No, I'm not updating a lot. I'm pissed off at the world, stressed to all fuck and finding it hard enough dealing with people in my own home without adding other things to it. I still read my friends pages and comment. I am on myspace, been there for a while, but that is reserved for people I actually know in life...you know, like a second phone. Livejournal is for my stories and interesting online friends. Sadly, though, I end up treating Myspace like Livejournal. I believe I have more to offer on my Myspace than about ninety five percent of everybody else there...simply because of the rants about Myspace and the shit people put on bulletins.

I swear that someday soon I will do a more complex update so that everyone that cares can find out why my brain has been on the verge of explosion. I just don't want to do it night.

End Transmission

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

XXX

1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

The last two weeks have been a disgusting rampant attack of my senses. This last week has been severe ups and downs. They are my own fault, what with my care for my friends/family and love of drinking. Mr. P (protected for the innocent) is here in town, not sure if thats a good or bad thing. Shit, BIG SHIT happened in their former residence and so he is here now, trying to find a decent job.

It's not like it's really bad, it's fun being around my bud again, but I'm just nowhere near as social a person as he is. We went to Asylum on Tuesday night and lets just say that for a goth/industrial club it sucks donkey balls. Both him and I were figuring if we opened a place up we would conquer that place in a heartbeat. Which is something we may actually do, gonna look into small business loans and grants.

But, I've been broke for the entire week, got a root canal on Tuesday morning (didn't hurt like the last one thank the gods), might end up going over in my bank account (would probably serve me right), my operating system has about nine more days before it shuts down and I NEED to back everything off of it.

There is some good news, though. At Asylum I strangely ran into an online friend and that was pretty damned awesome. I'll just leave it at that one.

End Transmission.

This girl is a terrible dancer. Truthfully she doesn't even get naked, but I found it amusing for at least half of the almost seven minutes. Just thought I would share since I haven't posted in a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/v/uIao0h1Mcsg